So the divorce was final last Wednesday, with the judge's final disposition last Thursday. I spent the weekend dealing with credit card companies, and it was mostly productive. I dealt with some horse people, and that was mostly non-productive. So today, copy of divorce decree in hand, I left work early to get: 1) a certified copy so that I can complete the name change, 2) my driving license name change, 3) my social security card name change. Silly me. I thought 2.5 hours would take care of it! Well. The certified copy was easy, but costly. I had to pay Clerk of Court $20.75 for 1 page, a stamp and a signature. Okay. That being done, I grumbled my way to DMV. Got in quickly, thought, "okay, my hair's not the best, but I'm here so . . . " But no! In order to get the updated driving license, I have to update the social security card. So away I go to Social Security Administration. I get in quickly, I think I'm okay. But NO! In order to get the social security card updated, I have to have proof of former and changed name. I hold out certified copy of divorce decree. They say, fine, but you have to have proof of changed name. I show them where it is on the divorce decree. They say, fine, but your birth date is not on the decree. So I ask them what is acceptable proof. They say, a certified copy of the divorce Case Information Sheet. By now, I'm really frustrated. So away I go to Clerk of Court. They can't find the file. The woman wanders around the office. She asks her colleagues. They tell me it wasn't efiled. I tell them I know, I filed directly. She gives me the number for the judge's clerk. I call. She's nice. She says, I have the file, come on up and I'll help you. The Clerk of Court says, NO, she can't help you until you pay me. So I pay, again!, but more this time. She dinks around and dinks around and calls the judge's clerk, and dinks some more. By this time, it's clear to me that I won't be able to get back across town to Social Security Administration before they close at 1600 hours. So finally I get upstairs to the judge's clerk, who certifies the appropriate copies, gives me a couple of other certified copies, and away I go. It's now 11 minutes until 1600. If I break laws, I'll get to SSA just after they close.
I will try again tomorrow. SSA first. Then, on Wednesday, I can get the updated driving license, unless there is some other snag I don't know about . . .
By the time all of this is said and done, it will have cost me about $30K to get rid of the bugger. And that's in the category of throwing good money after bad. I detest the way that society penalizes responsible women, and rewards incompetent, immature men.
As Engineer Scott said, "The more they overthink the plumbing, the easier it is to plug up the drains."
4.17.2010
Fair is just another "F" word
I've known for almost three years now that my marriage was going nowhere, quickly, and rather painfully. We quit talking, quit being intimate, and finally quit being civil. I began to actively detest being in his presence. So . . . why not end it? I think I dreaded what his response would be.
Turns out, I was right. I filed for divorce in January. He moved out. Things went fairly smoothly until yesterday, when we had mediation. I figured he'd ask for spousal maintenance . . . but I didn't expect his list of demands. $950 per month spousal maintenance for the next 4.5 years so that he can retire comfortably. That I take all of the debt he's run up in the last 2.5 years since he's been mismanaging his own funds, and pay it . . . All 20+ THOUSAND Dollars! I couldn't spend 20+ THOUSAND Dollars on credit cards in 2.5 years if I had to! Not even on wool! He wants half of my retirement, so that he can retire comfortably. And he wants Peaches the Cat.
I came away from the court house yesterday feeling shocked and ill. He doesn't, I mean truly doesn't give a rip about anyone but himself. He doesn't care how badly he hurts anyone . . . not me, not my Dad who is 95 and needs full-time care . . . he only wants what he wants.
I am not some sort of super person. I am not a saint. But I pay my bills on time or a little early, don't use credit cards except for dire emergencies (like the last half of the attorney's retainer -- the first half having devastated my savings account). I keep the low interest rate cards, have dispensed with the rest, and haven't paid a late fee on a credit card in 10 years. His average interest rate is 26.98. Obviously, he has not managed his money well, and expects me to pay for his idiocy and greed.
The really messed up part of it is: I may have to. The current trend in divorce, so my attorney tells me, is women making more money than their husbands, and being required to bail the buggers out after having -- I can only surmise -- gotten fed up with the bums freeloading and deciding to divest themselves of the liability, only to be told by a judge that "no, you are not free . . . I'm awarding you his debt. And by the way, you will have to pay spousal maintenance in the amount of $whatever, for however many years."
WTF???? Why does the responsible party get to continue to be responsible for debt that she didn't incur, didn't enjoy the results of, and can't have anything tangible to sell to defray the cost of repayment? The mediator suggested bankruptcy as an option. I had to control myself to avoid stabbing him with my size 9 Options nickel plated needle. Why should I file bankruptcy because my puerile, narcissistic, spoiled-brat hopefully please Great Spirit soon-to-be ex-husband can't control his impulses, and won't get a decent job?
If he were blind, deaf, in a wheelchair or in some other way truly disabled, it might make some sense. However, he is hale of body, capable of working . . . and has completely bought into the idea that the world generally -- and I in particular -- owes him.
Not unlike, I suppose, the great masses in our country who feel the sense of entitlement and stand, hands out, waiting for Uncle Sugar -- excuse me, I think I meant to say the government -- to guarantee their right to life, liberty and the pursuit of indolence.
Wake up, legal system. Wake up, government. Stop punishing the responsible persons in this country by pushing the sins of the lazy, selfish and indolent off onto us and expecting us to go on fixing it, to go on paying, to go on being responsible without raising a fuss. Wake up, I tell you! My attorney said, "lawyers consider Fair to be another "F" word."
I think it's time that that changed.
Turns out, I was right. I filed for divorce in January. He moved out. Things went fairly smoothly until yesterday, when we had mediation. I figured he'd ask for spousal maintenance . . . but I didn't expect his list of demands. $950 per month spousal maintenance for the next 4.5 years so that he can retire comfortably. That I take all of the debt he's run up in the last 2.5 years since he's been mismanaging his own funds, and pay it . . . All 20+ THOUSAND Dollars! I couldn't spend 20+ THOUSAND Dollars on credit cards in 2.5 years if I had to! Not even on wool! He wants half of my retirement, so that he can retire comfortably. And he wants Peaches the Cat.
I came away from the court house yesterday feeling shocked and ill. He doesn't, I mean truly doesn't give a rip about anyone but himself. He doesn't care how badly he hurts anyone . . . not me, not my Dad who is 95 and needs full-time care . . . he only wants what he wants.
I am not some sort of super person. I am not a saint. But I pay my bills on time or a little early, don't use credit cards except for dire emergencies (like the last half of the attorney's retainer -- the first half having devastated my savings account). I keep the low interest rate cards, have dispensed with the rest, and haven't paid a late fee on a credit card in 10 years. His average interest rate is 26.98. Obviously, he has not managed his money well, and expects me to pay for his idiocy and greed.
The really messed up part of it is: I may have to. The current trend in divorce, so my attorney tells me, is women making more money than their husbands, and being required to bail the buggers out after having -- I can only surmise -- gotten fed up with the bums freeloading and deciding to divest themselves of the liability, only to be told by a judge that "no, you are not free . . . I'm awarding you his debt. And by the way, you will have to pay spousal maintenance in the amount of $whatever, for however many years."
WTF???? Why does the responsible party get to continue to be responsible for debt that she didn't incur, didn't enjoy the results of, and can't have anything tangible to sell to defray the cost of repayment? The mediator suggested bankruptcy as an option. I had to control myself to avoid stabbing him with my size 9 Options nickel plated needle. Why should I file bankruptcy because my puerile, narcissistic, spoiled-brat hopefully please Great Spirit soon-to-be ex-husband can't control his impulses, and won't get a decent job?
If he were blind, deaf, in a wheelchair or in some other way truly disabled, it might make some sense. However, he is hale of body, capable of working . . . and has completely bought into the idea that the world generally -- and I in particular -- owes him.
Not unlike, I suppose, the great masses in our country who feel the sense of entitlement and stand, hands out, waiting for Uncle Sugar -- excuse me, I think I meant to say the government -- to guarantee their right to life, liberty and the pursuit of indolence.
Wake up, legal system. Wake up, government. Stop punishing the responsible persons in this country by pushing the sins of the lazy, selfish and indolent off onto us and expecting us to go on fixing it, to go on paying, to go on being responsible without raising a fuss. Wake up, I tell you! My attorney said, "lawyers consider Fair to be another "F" word."
I think it's time that that changed.
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